Nerve Damage, Hole In One, Corduroy Flares & Hi-Fives

My golf club membership ran out on the 30^th April 2011. For the first time since 2006 I was a golfing nomad with no base or knowing nods from other golfers as they looked at my membership bag tags. No clique, no place to sit comfortably & slag off recreational golfers in the bar who had no club membership, so therefore were not ‘proper’ golfers. Seeing as I had played the equivalent of 18 months worth of golf in 4, I needed a break anyway. And to ostracise myself even more my handicap for the year went (gasps) inactive. Which, it turns out, is not as life threatening as the obolo virus as I first thought, and can be easily reactivated.

I decided to play one more team comp at the end of May this year, and coming off the 18^th felt a numbness in my pinky & ring finger. I shrugged it off as the effects of my classic over the top, unbelievably steep, mid iron swing on the 16^th as I tried to crush a 5 iron 220yds. Days later it became worse and playing a quick 9 holes made my forearm feel totally numb. As a typical male I thought, "it will be better in a week or two" Long story short, after a doctor’s visit & various tests, the doc said it was ulnar neuropathy. Which is nerve compression around the elbow joint and is similar to an RSI injury. He informed me carpenters, painters and secretaries get it. “Well I don’t do a lot of sawing, errrm, could I get it from loads of golf, playing guitar in a band, and spending too much time on Facebook and Twitter?" ”Yes, that could do it too” Four months later it is a bit better, but after initial research it could take 18 months to 2 years to *possibly* clear up. So with that in mind I decided 5 rounds of golf in one week at the end of September was the proper way to convalesce.

Monday. A free round courtesy of Nike Golf at any De Vere course. With only days left to spare on the voucher I chose Staverton Park as it was the nearest one to me in the Midlands. Apart from playing in the coat tails of Hurricane Katia which caused a huge tree to be blown over on the 10^th fairway 90 minutes before our tee off, I really enjoyed playing this course. Staverton Park is a surprisingly mature course with great facilities and pleasant staff. facilities include a good driving range and a couple of practice greens. (unused by me) The best thing about the course, apart from the pretty surroundings, was the well kept greens, even with heavy traffic they held up great. Another refreshing change was the fact you could use all the clubs in your bag, even off the yellow tees. Definitely going back to play this one next Summer.

Thursday. Ombersley  Gc. Tetley Food Corporate Golf Day. Thanks to the guys at Prima Foods for the invite. I have played in this a few times, scoring well, but never winning. (Banditos) I decided my pre-round routine this year would involve two pints of Kronenberg and Nobby's Chilli Nuts. It paid off as my first drive was crushed onto the front edge of the green 330 yds away (downwind). I had a superb front nine scoring one over gross for 26pts. It would have been one under if not for a penalty drop from a wayward drive into a hedge on the 3rd. My driving this week has in large part been my best ever, I would like to  keep this consistency, but my Seve-esque escapes would become redundant, and nobody wants that. Highlights were my long game, driving 3 greens and unfortunately, going through the back of a par 5 in two. The back nine was a lot scrappier, apart from the 16^th hole which is a slight downhill dog leg right to left, with a hidden green 316yds away. I smashed mine first, “That’ll be close to the green” I said cockily as my two partners proceeded to hit their best drives of the day. Two monster draws better than mine. As we got to the green, which is 15 feet below the fairway, I could see two balls, one 10 feet away from the pin, the other 15 feet. “Where’s mine?” 22 handicapper Pete said as we looked in the rough beyond the green. Me..“Hang on a sec, I have a funny feeling……” Yep, hole in one on a 316yd blind par four from a 22 handicap golfer. Awesome. I looked it up today, it was a net ‘Condor’. My subsequent references of calling him 'Condorman' didn't land, am I only one of a handful of people who actually remembers Michael Crawford's 1981 superhero film? Anyway, I had a total of 48pts, a 76 gross. I lost of course, to 50pts……

Friday. Mapperly.Four miles outside of Nottingham. A very hilly course, but a pleasant enough track to start the weekend off. It has a good mix of holes, and the greens were in excellent condition. Golf clothing today was a vintage Arnold Palmer polo shirt with massive collars and brown hipster flared cords. (Apparently not everyone agrees Spiderman boxer shorts are cool, which they got to critique every time I got my ball out of the hole) So, I was first on the tee. Seven of my mates stood behind taking the p**s. Smash. Right down the middle. Not a lot to report golf wise but I played solid, driving and putting the ball really well, scoring 32 points coming in second place. I did buy a Ping Rapture 3 wood from the pro shop using it only once, after cutting it into trees. Researching the course, which is over a 100 years old, it seems the local council want to build 1,900 homes on the site of the course. There was a protest from members in the city with banners that read “HANDS OFF OUR COURSE…..me duck”

Saturday. The Nottinghamshire. Second time I have played here. See older blog about ‘The Hooters’ golf day. Straight away, car park banter from a complete stranger, “You have to be good mate, to play golf in those trousers” (pink tartan flares ) Me “Well, by that trouser logic, you must be shocking”. The (Open Course) has a good back nine, but the front nine is very bland, I would suggest they rename it 'The Katie Melua' At £40, this is vastly overpriced for what you get, £25 tops would be a much better valuation. It was nice of the parents at a wedding party somewhere in the hotel to let their children run all over the 9^th green and fairway, as it must have saved the greenstaff a lot of winter labour hours, letting young girls hollow tine the green with their heels.

I played poorly from the tee today, carving out a cut/block for the entire round. I lost the pairs and the singles match on the 18^th hole. Maybe being the only one not in a buggy was a schoolboy error. I was too cream crackered from dancing away in Flares (now called Reveal) in Nottingham city centre until the early hours. I must have been good though, I got hi-fived by two burly pimps at least twice as I danced to Cliff Richards ‘Devil Woman’ on the smallest revolving dance floor I have ever seen.

Sunday. Whittington Heath.Lichfield. We played a Ryder Cup style event, arranged by my friend who bumped into these guys a few times during various am-am events last year. Whittington is an absolutely fantastic golf course, again another old course under pressure as the council want part of the land to run a hi-speed rail track through it. It was previously a nine hole layout inside a race track. (see club history) It was a delight to play, the texture of the fairways was superb, giving you a satisfying ‘thunk’ as your iron squeezed the ball off the turf. I hit a career shot on a long par four after duffing my tee shot 140 yds. The new Ping 3 wood came out the bag and worked well as I smashed the ball 240 yds into wind, watching it fade on cue to the centre of the green. I was amazed as the ball landed like a butterfly with blisters. That must be what it feels like to be a pro golfer, they do that, ALL.THE.TIME. I’ll keep that club in the bag for a while I think. Our playing partners, Tony and Rolf, were also great fun to play with, and their banter was a comedy constant all the way around, continuing into the clubhouse where we reminisced about my 11 up the par 5 first. To be fair I was still feeling delicate and looking very pale from the previous nights shenanigans, and an air shot can make even the sternest golfer crack a smile. We halved the match, which was the right result, even though I had a 10 footer to win our match, I'm glad it lipped out for the half. With hindsight I wish I had done a Ryder Cup style Jack Nicklaus concession, in the spirit of the great afternoon we had, but mainly because of the vintage Tony Jacklin polo shirt I was wearing.

Granicus